When Life Keeps Throwing Curve Balls

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Surrendering to Impermanence

Surrendering to Impermanence

All of us have been here at some point in our lives (maybe more than we'd like to admit) – a stretch of time when it feels like the universe is out to get you. It feels like a dark cloud looms over you and you alone. There’s a series of unfortunate events that make life very challenging and nothing that you do seems to line-up with the good stuff. You constantly feel like you’re waiting for the next shoe to drop. And, worse off, everyone else seems to be doing just fine.

I’m often reminded of this phenomenon when I’m listening to clients’ stories. They express feelings of being overwhelmed, distressed and depressed. “Why does this keep happening to me?” “When will it all end?” are often the questions asked behind a stream of tears.

Usually our emotional reactions are accompanied with thoughts of, “How can I make it stop?” This would be a natural reaction since humans tend to want and need a sense of control in their lives to feel safe, secure and comfortable. Abraham Maslow presented this idea as a basic human need. It is at this second level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the needs for security and safety become primary. It is no wonder when life feels over-the-top that we resort back to these primal, instinctual levels of thinking/feeling.

Surrendering to the process of life

Suffering is an integral part of being human. The Buddha recognized this over 2000 years ago. He explained this through the principal teachings of “dukkha,” which refer to the physical and psychological experience of suffering, change, discontentedness, and emptiness. This is the idea that we tend to hold onto and have expectations as to how our lives need to be.

We suffer because we project the myth of permanence upon a situation that is actually innately and constantly changing – ungraspable and mysterious.  This is the true nature of life, yet we consistently believe that we can control our reality. We think that we can know and possess our lives, our loves, our identities, and even our possessions. Samsara, “the cycle of suffering,” is a direct result of our desire for permanence. It is the tight grip of our grasping of self or ego.

Buddha taught that we can find a way to accept those things that we are unable to control and at the same time change our thoughts, beliefs and emotions about the things that we are able to have an affect on. It is this ability to understand life as a dream, a fleeting moment in time, that can lead to more experiences of happiness and well-being. And even happiness is seen to be temporary.  It is this dance of being in the present moment that frees us from the need to control our very existence. It is the realization that we are interconnected to the whole of life within the universe, shifting, morphing, transforming with it. And that it’s all okay.

Just as you pick a flower, you are aware that the flower will wilt and die in time. And still you are able to appreciate its beauty and smell it’s sweet aroma in the moment. This is a metaphor for how you can live life - savoring every moment – whether good, bad or neutral. Surrendering to what is. Staying in the flow. It is this knowing that everything ultimately changes that leads to less suffering.

An aware mind

This is not about denying the pain or sweeping it under the rug. We can look at it truthfully, feeling our feelings, knowing that we are connected to all beings that suffer. We can touch into our hearts and feel loving-kindness towards ourselves, and all that is. And because we are able to see it from a point of clarity, we are more able to know what needs to be done to ease the suffering.

A consistent mindfulness practice allows us to observe ourselves silently and with eyes wide open – present and aware and watchful of what unfolds and arises from within. This can take time and can be challenging, but the process itself is very rewarding.

To look deeply at these things in our everyday lives, especially within us, is to realize not only the interconnected nature of all things but also the impermanence of it all. It is because of these realizations that we can begin to be less ruled by our distorted and distressing thoughts - leading to less attachment to outcomes and finding ways to be grateful for “what is”. Ultimately, this gives us a way to experience more feelings of calm, peace of mind and true compassion.

-Tanya Vallianos

Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.

 

Getting Out of Your Own Way on The Path to Self-Love

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Shine the light on you. you're worth it!

Shine the light on you. you're worth it!

Yesterday, I was working with a fairly new client that struggles with low self-esteem and self-worth. We spent the session “tapping-in” resources of her team of nurturing, protective and wise helpers. She was able to do this with ease, but what became obvious in the end, was that she was quite aware of how much she felt that she was unworthy of anyone’s love, care and support. She found this thought to be distressing.

Often we need that reality check in the face of a caring, unconditional witness to know that we need real change. It’s the declaration that something is out of balance and has been a destructive force in one’s life. It’s the ability to say out loud, “I’ve been getting in my own way,” so that a new path can be carved out. How does one get past a long history of self-deprecation and feelings of emptiness, negativity and fear?

You discover that you can press pause in any moment and step back from the momentum of old, habitual thought patterns. From this vantage point, you’re able to consistently see where you get hung up and how the thought/feeling complex creates the distress that you say that you don’t want in your life.

With conscious awareness, you are more committed to living in ways that are wise, affirming, and aligned with your deepest desires and your highest good. With committed thought checking, a reframing of the old story, clarity and truth finally arrives. In those moments, asking Self: Do I believe I’m inadequate? Do I believe that I’m a victim? Do I believe I’m unlovable?

It is in those moments of suffering that you can befriend yourself, taking notice of the feelings present and ever so gently, kindly holding them, like you would a baby. Knowing that these feelings are just fueled by thoughts - they are not YOU. They are not in control of you.

There is no need to rid you of anything. Just be aware of your inner experience.

Now you can experience the spaciousness when you’re not hooked-in to the old story, even if it’s for a millisecond in time. Notice what is like to choose something different, to be more curious, than critical, to learn new ways of experiencing you - to get out of your own way.

This is a process. It won’t change overnight. It takes diligence, patience and self-determination. But that is what is involved in choosing to live a life more consciously – a life of authenticity, self-love and more joy.

-Tanya Vallianos

Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.

Journaling As a Mindfulness Practice

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Journaling tangibly Helps us to connect to our inner world

Journaling tangibly Helps us to connect to our inner world

Journal writing can be compared to practicing mindfulness. A journal records the movement of one’s inner experience - reflections of the mental, emotional, and image-laden events within the writer in that moment in time. When we write, we are conscious of what is being written and stay focused on the writing process without judgment or criticism. Both involve being present in the now. By being fully conscious and present of our actions and our breath, we become present in what we do. Writing and other creative endeavors are similar.

I write to gain more insight of an experience, to remember an event that occurred and to feel emotion and have deeper understanding of what’s going on inside. Journaling is about making connections to my higher knowing. It is a moment in time where I am fully present in the process – aware of my thoughts, my body, the kinesthetic quality of writing, and the environment I’m in. I’m taking it all in as a moment-to-moment process. In the end, I’m finished and can tuck it away safely, until the next time.

There is something about the ability to face the difficulties of life, when emotions are painful or when our inner critic is loudly speaking in our ear, to take pause and utilize this safe container. Here, we are give permission to release. We can more easily and mindfully breathe with compassion for ourselves, staying centered and grounded through the process. And because of this we can find healing.

Dr. James Pennebaker, author of Writing to Heal has seen improved immune functioning in journaling participants. Stress and feelings of overwhelm often come from emotional blockages and neurotic over-thinking. The ability to free ones thoughts and emotions through writing is shown to lower anxiety, stress and induce sound sleep.

Journaling doesn’t always involve writing about challenges. Writing about our positive experiences can be quite helpful as well. It becomes life reaffirming. And our physiology responds by releasing endorphins and dopamine, thus boosting our mood and our outlook of the world.

As is true with meditation practice, mindful journaling, through the act of presenting, allows us to cultivate appreciation for Self in each moment. It brings us to live more harmoniously with all things, because it allows us the time to know ourselves, what triggers us, and what we are curious about - all without distraction. And the more we write, the more connected we are to all that is.

A Mindful Journaling Prompt:

  • Choose a quiet space in your home or in nature where you will not be distracted.
  • Begin by letting go of the day’s events and any tension that you’re aware of in your body, and focusing on your breath for a few minutes. One inhalation and one exhalation at a time.
  • When feeling more centered, write down a question. Write a few lines on anything you would like higher-self guidance on. Focusing on one question allows for deeper clarity and insight. For example, “How can I communicate more effectively with my boss?”; “Why do I have difficulty staying committed to exercising?”; or “How can I have deeper connection to my partner/spouse?”
  • Start to write. Let go of the thinking, judging mind, and write without thinking through stream of consciousness. If you get stuck, you can write, “I feel stuck.” Whatever is happening, stay with the organic flow and just keep writing. There are no mistakes here. Write for 5, 10 or 15 minutes. You’ll know when you’re done.
  • When finished, read through what you have written out loud to yourself.
  • Notice what comes up for you somatically, emotionally and mentally, with a curious but detached awareness.
  • Continuing to practice this technique will allow you to be more and more present with yourself!

-Tanya Vallianos

Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.