Be Soft
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Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504
Letting Go Of the Reigns in Relationship
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We all have our own particular way of doing things, but there's a fine line between being particular and being controlling. If you’re a controlling person, it's likely you're sabotaging your own relationships. What's even worse is that being a controlling person can take a toll on your partner's self-esteem. It can weaken your trust and interfere with communication. All these elements are essential for a healthy relationship.
If you're doing any of the behaviors in your relationship, it's likely that if you don't loosen up the reigns, your love story could be over sooner than you’d imagine.
· Telling your partner who they can or can’t be friends with
· Telling/suggesting to your partner what to wear on a regular basis
· Having consistently high expectations of your partner
· Controlling/not trusting interactions with others, i.e. looking at partners phone texts/calls
· Controlling your partner’s time to be with you and only you
· Making all or most of the decisions within the relationship and not consulting with partner
· Expecting that your wants and needs consistently come first in the relationship
· Asking partner to constantly change, adjust, and sacrifice in order to please you.
· Dictating your partner’s future, i.e. career choices
· Believing that you have the right to have sex and your desires are the default
· Using anger and negativity to manipulate by getting your way
Remember, relationships are about enhancing your life, not about taking away identity, or freedom. As a loving, supportive partner, your relationship will be everlasting when your love's sense of self and their sense of control over their own lives is fostered and nurtured within the confines of the relationship. And ultimately, your ability to “let go” is real freedom for you too.
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504
In Rough Times, Spiritual Practice Is A Grounding Force
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When times are tough, we need healing, rejuvenation, nourishment, and sustenance on every level or else the despair and anxiety that arises will grow instead of being neutralized. We need periods of silence to counter the incessant noise. We need some inner peace as a barrier to the dark energies that loom around us. We need a comfort zone at the center of our being to anchor us against the winds of rancor and rage. Spiritual practice can be a salve during turbulent times. Whatever that means to you - prayer, meditation, a walk in the woods, let the solace within guide you on a steady path.
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504
Shallow Living: An Occasional Visit on the Way to a Deeper Purpose
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Here in the States, we’ve become a culture that looks more and more outside of ourselves to “know” who we are. Social media hasn’t really helped us work through this skewed value system. In fact, in 2017 research by First Choice revealed that more than three-quarters of today’s youth would like a career in online videos as YouTubers/bloggers/vloggers, according to a survey of 1,000 children aged 6 to 17. The top reasons being: creativity, fame, self-expression, money, connecting cool people, recognition, travel. While it’s good to access one’s own creative nature and self-expression, it seems to be at the expense of altruism, service to others and a greater, deeper purpose.
The problem with such superficial goals is that they don’t really hold up over time. No matter how hard we may work to seem successful, to show how “perfect” everything seems from the outside, something will still be missing. That’s because approaching life from the “outside-in”, one can never really fill-up. You will constantly be chasing that next new thing, thinking it’s going to be the thing that makes you more happy, more successful, more wealthy, etc.
Approaching life from the position of “inside-out”, though, is quite different. This is the place where you slow down and take a moment to reflect about yourself and the world. It’s the time when you look outside of the box to see the truth of what is, not some prescribed script of a societal norm. But how do you get to that higher place within Self? How do you begin to transform from being focused on the external world to your authentic inner Self?
Transformational practices will bring you closer in to a deeper existence. They can take many forms. These include consistent contemplative practices like meditation and yoga, somatic therapies, time in nature, creative arts, healing ceremonies and ritual, devotional prayer, and non-violent martial arts, like tai chi and aikido. These practices embody the virtues of compassion, loving-kindness, gratitude, forgiveness, altruism, honesty, and joy, seeing the bigger picture and being connected to a higher divine force.
As we begin to take on these practices, we begin to challenge the long-held belief systems. This new way of seeing outside of the status-quo and stagnation, can bring up some challenging feelings. It may feel like a big risk, but then anything that is worth moving us out of the safe zone and transforming our lives in the highest good, always is.
Mostly, whenever we step outside the familiar, and the comfortable, we take a healthy step forward. Letting go of the old self as the new one emerges, is truly part of the cycle of life. We weren’t meant to play it safe and constantly be distracted in an artificial world. That’s not why we are here. We are meant to grow bigger and grander within the divine Light through the deeper exploration of and healing of Self. This is a risk worth taking, don’t you think?
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Change Your Brain To Live a More Contented Life
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If you are presently unhappy in many aspects of your life, it can feel like a dark place. A mindset that is clouded by daily thoughts of dread and negativity can really wear on a person’s self-esteem, self-worth and physical health.
When there is discontentment, there’s a tendency to get trapped in the never-ending cycle of waiting for the day when “it” will all change – “When I have a new job…a new relationship…a bigger home…”
Contentedness does not come out of an external place, like the striving for more possessions or making more money or living a more exciting life, for instance. If that has been your focus in life, then it will not hold up over time. Your thoughts will always be running a tape that ultimately say, “You are not enough.” This is because once you get the bigger house, the job promotion and the new relationship, you immediately start planning your next bigger, better this and that.
Being authentically content starts with the realization that you are the creator of your reality.
Our thoughts dictate how we view the world and ultimately, how we feel. If you tend to see life through these kinds of ideas and messages…
· You’re looking for that next better thing
· You must work hard to get everything you need
· You look toward others and society for approval
· You’re worried about what others think of you
· You’re jealous and envious of other people’s successes
· You’re focused on your image and the way you look
· You blame others from keeping you from having the life you want
· You feel that you never have enough money, sex, time, stuff, friends, etc.
…then you have become lost along the way and this is why you feel so empty.
As William Shakespeare wrote, “Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” Thoughts are powerful. They are the precursor to our feeling states.
Even when it looks as though your emotional state is being dictated by your circumstances, that is never true. Just get quiet and curious for a moment, and ask yourself, “If I weren’t thinking this way, how might I feel differently?”
The happiness you have been seeking outside of yourself can be yours when you learn to stop chasing the illusion, and instead, begin to have more kindness, compassion and love toward yourself.
The more we are willing to genuinely love from within, even when it feels hard, the less we go searching for contentedness in the wrong places. When we are comforted by our own self-love, we no longer need to find comfort through external fixes.
Contentedness is a state of being fulfilled with what you already have within you. And at the same time, striving to improve, to become a better human being, regardless of how happy and content you are.
So you’re wondering, “How do I break the cycle of discontent and emptiness and learn to really love myself?”
We can harness the brain’s plasticity by training our brain to make positive thought patterns more automatic.
Neural pathways are like superhighways of nerve calls that transmit messages. After many years and decades of negative belief patterns traveling over the superhighway, the pathway becomes more and more solidified. And because the brain is always changing, with practice you can forge newer, healthier and more positive pathways, by creating new thought/feeling habits. That’s called neuroplasticity.
Mindfulness skills integrated into ones daily life can interrupt the negative and habitual feedback loops that can rewire the brain to think more positively. The regular practice of mindfulness meditation increases gray matter in the hippocampus, an area of the brain important for learning, memory, and emotion, and reducing gray matter in the amygdala, an area of the brain associated with stress and anxiety.
Spending 5 to 10 minutes daily sitting still while focusing on your in-breath and out-breath, trains the brain to quiet down, disengage the stress response, and move into a relaxation response that is more open to letting go of the more habitual neural pathways. Mindfully tracking your thoughts consistently throughout your day by redirecting habitual negative thoughts to new positive thoughts will carve out new and more accessible neural pathways.
Visualization is almost as powerful as the real thing given your brain cannot tell the difference between something real or imagined. Research shows that anytime you are thinking you are engaging and thus conditioning neural pathways, so why not create positive, calming images to change the brain? The most important part of using visualization to strengthen healthy habits is to engage your emotion. Positive emotion provides the fuel to enlist more neural power for creating new healthier neural networks. Find time throughout your day imagining yourself feeling and being more content in your life.
Gratitude is one of the best ways to move more readily towards positive thoughts and feelings of contentment. Whenever you are not content with something, take a moment and count all the blessings in your life. If you honestly do that, then you are creating the opportunity for more blessed moments in your life! Let your focus be on what you have rather than on what you don’t have. Think about all the pleasant moments in your life regularly. Be grateful for every little thing, for every person in your life, and thank him or her silently.
And finally, enjoy the simple things in life whether it’s conversations with strangers, taking slow gentle walks, or spending quality time with friends. Whatever you do, no matter how small, how inexpensive, and how trivial or simple, enjoy it and recognize that each moment of these positive thoughts lead more and more to authentic happy and contented living.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Being Your Own Person: The True Path to Self-Empowerment
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Being your own person enables you to have your own independent thoughts, feelings, and values. It is an important part of self-development. When there is not a good sense of self, one struggles with being self-reliant. And there’s a tendency to live vicariously through others, co-opting ones own belief system for that of others.
The accomplishments of someone else are often substituted as though they were their own. While it is positive to admire and be happy for another ones endeavors, it’s impossible to derive your sense of self through another person. Living through others is no substitute for living for oneself. One cannot promote and sustain happiness in this way.
Being your own person means knowing what you believe in and standing by your beliefs, even if everyone else in the room is urging you to do otherwise. It means being authentic. If you’re not living authentically, it becomes second nature to adopt certain roles that you act out, pretending that this is how you really think and feel. Carl Jung referred to this part of self as the persona (or mask) and argued that shedding it was the first step on the road to individuation.
When you value your true self you become confident, generous, positive, and more energetically alive. Your sense of well-being becomes a prominent force in your life. You feel empowered to make your way through life with direction, self-confidence, and from a place of thriving, not surviving.
Start by seeing what qualities and emotions you honestly want in your life. See what’s working well and also find what’s missing and start to add it in, one small change at a time. If you generously honor and nourish your genuine nature, gradually it will be renewed, grow and bloom.
Like most things, being your true self takes practice and commitment. It also takes courage. Many people fear that they will only be accepted if they try to be what others want them to be. But human beings are not so easily fooled and can quickly sense when someone is acting. The truth is, no matter what you are really like, people will respect you for having the courage and strength to be your own person. And if they don’t, then they weren’t the kind of people you’d want in your life anyway.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Nature – A Soft Place to Land
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Connecting to Nature is the journey back home to self, finding inner peace, and soul-deepening connection. When you slow down at Nature’s pace, your heart rate and breathing slow down. You relax and walk more leisurely and quietly. You become more hyper-aware of all that is around you.
Nature, in itself becomes a mindfulness practice, where you can notice more of the details - the cracks and crevices in the bark of trees, the way the leaves fall in a particular way and direction with the breeze, or the sounds of your feet softly engaging with the earth.
It is here that you are more available to tap into the spirit of the land, the plants, the animal and insect world. You notice what you are drawn to, what speaks to you. You take a moment to be near the tree or flower or insect that has your interest.
Now you turn your awareness toward your heart, focusing on the gentle pattern of breath flowing in and out. From this loving place of connection, spend time basking in Nature’s radiant beauty. Give appreciation for the time spent with it as well as allowing for the receiving of any guidance, support or healing within its presence.
It is from these Nature experiences that you are able to access your beautiful memories at anytime for they are always within you. They are able to support you through daily stresses. They are a reminder of your connection to something bigger. And they show you a deeper part of whom you are. Indeed it is an inner place to rejoice in.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Love Self and Everything Else Follows
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I meet many people who spend much of their lives seeking validation and happiness from the world around them. They are looking for someone or something that fill the emptiness that they feel in their lives and that can reflect back to them, “I’m a worthy, lovable and a special person”. While there is nothing intrinsically wrong with seeking the approval of others, as long as we understand that self-worth that has real, lasting merit, can only come from within.
We are often conditioned in this culture to seek happiness in things or in the people that surround us, after all, much of the modern economy revolves around the cycle of generating and satisfying needs outside of ourselves. But this is an unreliable source of happiness. There will always be some new fashion trend and people will come and go.
So instead of looking for happiness from someone else or something, we can come to realize that it’s not out there. It’s within us. Happiness isn’t an obscure concept that we’re waiting for to arrive sometime in the future. It’s available right inside us, right now, all the time. Once we can graciously accept and love who and what we are, then and only then will we have achieved true happiness.
Self-worth is simply a recognition that we are complete and whole people, and that we are okay as we are. We recognize that we do not need anything or anyone outside of ourselves to declare that we are okay as a people, and that we have the power to do it ourselves.
So take a moment and reflect on the things in your life that you allow to have power over your value as a person and remind yourself that you are worthy just as you are. You don’t need to seek approval externally or try to fill an empty void. You are beautiful as you are. When you can appreciate what you have and who you are, but not allow it to define your sense of worth, then you are well on your way to creating your own source of built-in forever happiness.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
You Are Never Alone
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Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Simply Being
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It can be challenging to allow ourselves to slow down and find quiet time. If you haven’t noticed, there tends to be a cultural acceptance of “busyness” here in the States. It is a paradigm based on doing rather than being. And if we are not accomplishing or acquiring, then something must be wrong. We often feel guilty when we’re not making something happen and can easily be drawn into feelings of unworthiness in comparison to our peers’ accomplishments.
When we are not in the company of others, we often find ourselves distracted by technology in one form or another – phones, computers, TVs. Subconsciously, we are aware that we are afraid of what we may find beneath the myriad of layers of busyness, external stimulation and achievement. Yet, without solitude and quiet time, we miss the opportunity for inner growth and renewal.
It is in the quiet moments that we can see things more clearly. We can leave behind the demands of work, people, family, media, and life. In the West, there is nothing that teaches and fosters us to go inward, thus we must claim that part of ourselves on our own. It is within those moments that we devout to our soul, our spirit through meditation, prayer, and time in nature, where stillness is noticed and appreciated.
At anytime still, we can capture moments in between meetings and phone calls to just “be.” Close the door to your office or go for a neighborhood walk around the block and breath in that alone time. Daily we can practice doing nothing. Let it come organically, in the moment with little forethought or striving. Allow it to come from a deeper place from within. And mostly just enjoy.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
A Valentine’s Message: Eagle and The Reminder of The Awakened Heart
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Eagles, a symbol of enduring strength, freedom and love. Photo: Anne Whitehurst
Here, in Colorado, we are blessed every year with the appearance of Bald Eagle couples nesting. They can be found commonly amongst the many lakes and reservoirs that dot the high plains. There are volunteers that spend time tracking and counting individuals; there are photography clubs that gather to capture their beauty at rest and in flight; and there is an Eagle Festival to honor Bald Eagles’ magnificence in the nature of all creatures.
Yet, there was a time, not so long ago, that seeing a Bald Eagle in Colorado may have been a rare occurrence. In the early 1970’s there were fewer than 450 nesting pairs of Bald Eagles in the lower 48 United States, and fewer than 10 in the entire state of Colorado. But with conservation efforts, the banning of harmful pesticides such as DDT and an Endangered Species designation, the Bald Eagle has made a brilliant recovery at around 143,000 nationwide today. It’s odd that our country’s honored mascot has had such a struggle to survive. Hence, Eagle as guide, can be seen as a reflection of our own struggles and our ability to survive through the cycles of life.
What a gift to be able to connect yearly with this beautiful being who has so much to teach us. When looking for Bald Eagle, it can be found in the environs of old growth cottonwoods, along creeks, lakes and stream ways, and along borders or buffers around those zones. Eagle lays its eggs in February, after a courting session that usually revolves, synchronistically enough, around the week of Valentines’ Day. Both male and female eagles incubate the eggs and share the duties of raising their young.
Bald Eagle traits can be viewed symbolically to assist humans toward being more successful and wise within their own lives. For instance, in Native American lore, Eagle (Thunderbird) Totem is viewed as the chief over all the winged creatures. Eagle conveys the powers and messages of the Spirit; it is human's connection to Spirit as it has the power and strength to fly higher than any other bird. Eagle is also grounded to Earth, connecting to the land, building nests, hunting, and forming and raising families year after year. Eagle shows us how to live in balance between the realms of Spirit and Earth. Bald Eagle brings the message of life renewed since it is associated with the east winds - the direction of spring, dawn and rebirth.
If you have been going through some challenges, Eagle medicine not only signals a new beginning, it also creates the stamina and resilience to endure any difficulties along the way. If Eagle has appeared, it bestows freedom and courage to look ahead, to give up a limited perspective, to release self from comfortable, familiar thought patterns, and fly into a larger world of unknown realms, and to do all of this with love. Summon Eagle when you are about to embark on a challenge, a life change or transition, or a creative endeavor. Ask Eagle to give you the gift of clear vision and the strength with which you can see the truth, and to be patient with yourself and the outcome.
Eagle shows you how to look above so you are able to touch Grandfather Sun with your heart, to accept the Shadow as much as the Light, and to be grounded and in harmony with Grandmother Earth. Eagle Wise Guide gives you the permission to be free to reach the heights of joy that your heart sings for. Eagle shows you that you not only can survive – you can thrive. And you can rise above, to love.
And so with Valentine’s Day upon us, I give you Eagle’s message and it’s connection to one's loving nature, the rebirthing of Self, taking flight to higher consciousness and the magic of the Divine Awakened Heart.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Redefining Valentine’s Day for A Global Perspective
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Here we are again, another February has arrived, a month that has come to be associated with Valentine’s Day, romance and its commercial legacy. And while retailers revel in the potential for boosted revenue, for the average human, it is a day that can bring up strong and varying emotions. Whether excitement, annoyance, disappointment, insecurity, confusion, anxiety, disconnect, sadness or disdain in our responses, V-Day has certainly weaved it’s way into the fabric of this culture as a yearly ritual. How can one small remembrance day, bring up so much internal turmoil or disconnect, especially when it’s supposed to be about honoring all-wondrous “Love?”
What’s interesting is that these are similar feelings that are brought up for people around Christmas and Hanukah, they too being holidays that engage loved ones and ritual, involve certain expectations by the wider culture and are holidays that are highly commercialized. According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year, making Valentine’s Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year, Christmas being the first at 2.6 billion cards.
Most of us have considered the ins and outs of the affairs of the heart and our place within it, asking ourselves, “Am I where I want to be in love?” Most of us have considered our roles in our families and in friendships, asking ourselves, “How much am I loved?” Yet, maybe this is what hangs us up? Perhaps we really sense what is missing in these holidays and at the core of our Western world lives.
What I’m proposing here is that perhaps we can move towards a more profound perspective - less self-focused and external based. Maybe it’s time to let go of the idea of “buying love” or needing an excuse in a holiday to show love. Instead, opening up to the higher awareness of personal sacrifice, personal time, deepening conversations and a much more global perspective. How do we learn to love and give beyond our own families or tribe, beyond our own self-centered needs, beyond a cultural ideology of love?
And as US citizens, we are faced with many issues from a new administration that challenge the acceptance of others that are different, who are discriminated against or marginalized. More than ever, this needs to be a time to widen our circles of love. From refugees and immigrants trying to find a safe and welcoming home-base; to the poor, sick, homeless, and hungry around the world; to our own neighbors having a difficult time making a living wage and supporting themselves and their families - there are endless opportunities to show love this Valentine's Day and all days throughout the year. And if we are so open and gracious to changing our perspective, most likely, these opportunities will allow us to ultimately love differently, much more boldly, and universally. When we come from this limitless love we naturally and easily embrace our fellow humanity and ourselves. Opening our heart, we allow unconditional love (rather than a grasping, egoic kind of love) to be our guide and compassion to be our gift to life.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Imagination and Creativity Is Not Just For The Few
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Indulge me and join in for a minute. Imagine that you are sitting on a beach chair soaking up the Caribbean sunshine. You notice how your hair gently moves with the warm tropical breezes. You take a full deep breath; the sweet aromas of pineapple drinks and suntan lotion permeates your olfactory system and you realize how much you love the combination of these fragrances. You barely hear seagulls in the distance as the sound of crashing waves drowns out their caw. You become lulled into a Zen-like presence and with a satisfied smile on your face you have the thought, “this is a most perfect moment.”
What we just experienced here was an imaginative process. We were able to use our imagination to create images, formulate ideas, and be connected to our sensations in our minds without having any direct input from the senses. In his book Out of Our Minds: Learning to be Creative, Sir Ken Robinson writes: “Imagination is the primary gift of human consciousness. In imagination, we can step out of the here and now. We can revisit and review the past. We can take a different view of the present by putting ourselves in the minds of others: we can try to see with their eyes and feel with their hearts. And in imagination we can anticipate many possible futures.”
Imagination is the source of our creativity, but imagination and creativity are not the same. Imagination is the ability to bring to mind things that are not present to our senses. We can imagine things that exist or things that do not exist at all. Creativity is a process of having original ideas that have value. It's a process, and not an event, and it can be taught.
Robinson continues, “To call someone creative suggests they are actively producing something in a deliberate way. People are not creative in the abstract; they are creative in something: in mathematics, in engineering, in writing, in music or art, in business, in whatever.”
Creativity involves putting your imagination to work. In a sense, creativity is applied imagination.
Creativity is a powerful shaping force in human life. It is an intangible human capacity of a transcendent nature – it moves us beyond ourselves in a similar way to spirituality. The psychologist, Rollo May, in The Courage to Create, describes creativity as “the process of bringing something new into being. It brings to our awareness what was previously hidden and points to new life. The experience is one of heightened consciousness: ecstasy.”
Anthropologist, Ellen Dissanayake, suggests that the act of creating is actually a biological need that is basic to human nature. Writer, Julia Cameron believes that, “Creativity is the natural order of life.” And the historian Paul Johnson writes: “Creativity, I believe, is inherent in all of us.”
In my career as an Art Therapist, I’ve come to understand that most people do not believe that they are very imaginative, let alone creative. The fact is, we are all imaginative and creative all the time. It is innate. Whether it’s arranging flowers for a table or cooking a meal or rearranging a closet, these are all creative acts. Not everyone can sing like Adele, but everyone can enjoy singing. Most people aren’t skillful at carpentry, but most people can use a hammer and drill to put up curtains or pictures in their homes. As small as they are, these are creative acts.
Western culture and our limited educational system are largely to blame for this discrepancy, where left-brained skills that involve verbal and analytical processing, are more valued. Creativity has been systematically dismantled from daily experiences. Creativity and creative thinking is not encouraged for the masses, and we have come to believe that creativity is a special gift that is only available to the very few.
Yet how can that be, when you look around at a world and nature that is constantly transforming and re-creating itself? It shows us every day that we are connected to something bigger. It’s a beautifully complex universe that reflects the unfathomable imagination of an omniscient Creator who brought it all into being. Who brought us into being. We are just a reflection of that loving and powerful force. Therefore, we all have the ability to create and be creative. To create our lives in just the way that we choose to through imagination and action. It is within that potential that we are able to do the most minor of tasks, like hanging an art piece, to the greatest of achievements, like writing a symphony.
It’s time to take back your innate given gift. Claim it as your own. You may be surprised what you can do when you acknowledge this forgotten part of you.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
When Life Keeps Throwing Curve Balls
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Surrendering to Impermanence
All of us have been here at some point in our lives (maybe more than we'd like to admit) – a stretch of time when it feels like the universe is out to get you. It feels like a dark cloud looms over you and you alone. There’s a series of unfortunate events that make life very challenging and nothing that you do seems to line-up with the good stuff. You constantly feel like you’re waiting for the next shoe to drop. And, worse off, everyone else seems to be doing just fine.
I’m often reminded of this phenomenon when I’m listening to clients’ stories. They express feelings of being overwhelmed, distressed and depressed. “Why does this keep happening to me?” “When will it all end?” are often the questions asked behind a stream of tears.
Usually our emotional reactions are accompanied with thoughts of, “How can I make it stop?” This would be a natural reaction since humans tend to want and need a sense of control in their lives to feel safe, secure and comfortable. Abraham Maslow presented this idea as a basic human need. It is at this second level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the needs for security and safety become primary. It is no wonder when life feels over-the-top that we resort back to these primal, instinctual levels of thinking/feeling.
Surrendering to the process of life
Suffering is an integral part of being human. The Buddha recognized this over 2000 years ago. He explained this through the principal teachings of “dukkha,” which refer to the physical and psychological experience of suffering, change, discontentedness, and emptiness. This is the idea that we tend to hold onto and have expectations as to how our lives need to be.
We suffer because we project the myth of permanence upon a situation that is actually innately and constantly changing – ungraspable and mysterious. This is the true nature of life, yet we consistently believe that we can control our reality. We think that we can know and possess our lives, our loves, our identities, and even our possessions. Samsara, “the cycle of suffering,” is a direct result of our desire for permanence. It is the tight grip of our grasping of self or ego.
Buddha taught that we can find a way to accept those things that we are unable to control and at the same time change our thoughts, beliefs and emotions about the things that we are able to have an affect on. It is this ability to understand life as a dream, a fleeting moment in time, that can lead to more experiences of happiness and well-being. And even happiness is seen to be temporary. It is this dance of being in the present moment that frees us from the need to control our very existence. It is the realization that we are interconnected to the whole of life within the universe, shifting, morphing, transforming with it. And that it’s all okay.
Just as you pick a flower, you are aware that the flower will wilt and die in time. And still you are able to appreciate its beauty and smell it’s sweet aroma in the moment. This is a metaphor for how you can live life - savoring every moment – whether good, bad or neutral. Surrendering to what is. Staying in the flow. It is this knowing that everything ultimately changes that leads to less suffering.
An aware mind
This is not about denying the pain or sweeping it under the rug. We can look at it truthfully, feeling our feelings, knowing that we are connected to all beings that suffer. We can touch into our hearts and feel loving-kindness towards ourselves, and all that is. And because we are able to see it from a point of clarity, we are more able to know what needs to be done to ease the suffering.
A consistent mindfulness practice allows us to observe ourselves silently and with eyes wide open – present and aware and watchful of what unfolds and arises from within. This can take time and can be challenging, but the process itself is very rewarding.
To look deeply at these things in our everyday lives, especially within us, is to realize not only the interconnected nature of all things but also the impermanence of it all. It is because of these realizations that we can begin to be less ruled by our distorted and distressing thoughts - leading to less attachment to outcomes and finding ways to be grateful for “what is”. Ultimately, this gives us a way to experience more feelings of calm, peace of mind and true compassion.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Getting Out of Your Own Way on The Path to Self-Love
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Shine the light on you. you're worth it!
Yesterday, I was working with a fairly new client that struggles with low self-esteem and self-worth. We spent the session “tapping-in” resources of her team of nurturing, protective and wise helpers. She was able to do this with ease, but what became obvious in the end, was that she was quite aware of how much she felt that she was unworthy of anyone’s love, care and support. She found this thought to be distressing.
Often we need that reality check in the face of a caring, unconditional witness to know that we need real change. It’s the declaration that something is out of balance and has been a destructive force in one’s life. It’s the ability to say out loud, “I’ve been getting in my own way,” so that a new path can be carved out. How does one get past a long history of self-deprecation and feelings of emptiness, negativity and fear?
You discover that you can press pause in any moment and step back from the momentum of old, habitual thought patterns. From this vantage point, you’re able to consistently see where you get hung up and how the thought/feeling complex creates the distress that you say that you don’t want in your life.
With conscious awareness, you are more committed to living in ways that are wise, affirming, and aligned with your deepest desires and your highest good. With committed thought checking, a reframing of the old story, clarity and truth finally arrives. In those moments, asking Self: Do I believe I’m inadequate? Do I believe that I’m a victim? Do I believe I’m unlovable?
It is in those moments of suffering that you can befriend yourself, taking notice of the feelings present and ever so gently, kindly holding them, like you would a baby. Knowing that these feelings are just fueled by thoughts - they are not YOU. They are not in control of you.
There is no need to rid you of anything. Just be aware of your inner experience.
Now you can experience the spaciousness when you’re not hooked-in to the old story, even if it’s for a millisecond in time. Notice what is like to choose something different, to be more curious, than critical, to learn new ways of experiencing you - to get out of your own way.
This is a process. It won’t change overnight. It takes diligence, patience and self-determination. But that is what is involved in choosing to live a life more consciously – a life of authenticity, self-love and more joy.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Journaling As a Mindfulness Practice
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Journaling tangibly Helps us to connect to our inner world
Journal writing can be compared to practicing mindfulness. A journal records the movement of one’s inner experience - reflections of the mental, emotional, and image-laden events within the writer in that moment in time. When we write, we are conscious of what is being written and stay focused on the writing process without judgment or criticism. Both involve being present in the now. By being fully conscious and present of our actions and our breath, we become present in what we do. Writing and other creative endeavors are similar.
I write to gain more insight of an experience, to remember an event that occurred and to feel emotion and have deeper understanding of what’s going on inside. Journaling is about making connections to my higher knowing. It is a moment in time where I am fully present in the process – aware of my thoughts, my body, the kinesthetic quality of writing, and the environment I’m in. I’m taking it all in as a moment-to-moment process. In the end, I’m finished and can tuck it away safely, until the next time.
There is something about the ability to face the difficulties of life, when emotions are painful or when our inner critic is loudly speaking in our ear, to take pause and utilize this safe container. Here, we are give permission to release. We can more easily and mindfully breathe with compassion for ourselves, staying centered and grounded through the process. And because of this we can find healing.
Dr. James Pennebaker, author of Writing to Heal has seen improved immune functioning in journaling participants. Stress and feelings of overwhelm often come from emotional blockages and neurotic over-thinking. The ability to free ones thoughts and emotions through writing is shown to lower anxiety, stress and induce sound sleep.
Journaling doesn’t always involve writing about challenges. Writing about our positive experiences can be quite helpful as well. It becomes life reaffirming. And our physiology responds by releasing endorphins and dopamine, thus boosting our mood and our outlook of the world.
As is true with meditation practice, mindful journaling, through the act of presenting, allows us to cultivate appreciation for Self in each moment. It brings us to live more harmoniously with all things, because it allows us the time to know ourselves, what triggers us, and what we are curious about - all without distraction. And the more we write, the more connected we are to all that is.
A Mindful Journaling Prompt:
- Choose a quiet space in your home or in nature where you will not be distracted.
- Begin by letting go of the day’s events and any tension that you’re aware of in your body, and focusing on your breath for a few minutes. One inhalation and one exhalation at a time.
- When feeling more centered, write down a question. Write a few lines on anything you would like higher-self guidance on. Focusing on one question allows for deeper clarity and insight. For example, “How can I communicate more effectively with my boss?”; “Why do I have difficulty staying committed to exercising?”; or “How can I have deeper connection to my partner/spouse?”
- Start to write. Let go of the thinking, judging mind, and write without thinking through stream of consciousness. If you get stuck, you can write, “I feel stuck.” Whatever is happening, stay with the organic flow and just keep writing. There are no mistakes here. Write for 5, 10 or 15 minutes. You’ll know when you’re done.
- When finished, read through what you have written out loud to yourself.
- Notice what comes up for you somatically, emotionally and mentally, with a curious but detached awareness.
- Continuing to practice this technique will allow you to be more and more present with yourself!
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
