Be Soft
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Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504
Shallow Living: An Occasional Visit on the Way to a Deeper Purpose
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Here in the States, we’ve become a culture that looks more and more outside of ourselves to “know” who we are. Social media hasn’t really helped us work through this skewed value system. In fact, in 2017 research by First Choice revealed that more than three-quarters of today’s youth would like a career in online videos as YouTubers/bloggers/vloggers, according to a survey of 1,000 children aged 6 to 17. The top reasons being: creativity, fame, self-expression, money, connecting cool people, recognition, travel. While it’s good to access one’s own creative nature and self-expression, it seems to be at the expense of altruism, service to others and a greater, deeper purpose.
The problem with such superficial goals is that they don’t really hold up over time. No matter how hard we may work to seem successful, to show how “perfect” everything seems from the outside, something will still be missing. That’s because approaching life from the “outside-in”, one can never really fill-up. You will constantly be chasing that next new thing, thinking it’s going to be the thing that makes you more happy, more successful, more wealthy, etc.
Approaching life from the position of “inside-out”, though, is quite different. This is the place where you slow down and take a moment to reflect about yourself and the world. It’s the time when you look outside of the box to see the truth of what is, not some prescribed script of a societal norm. But how do you get to that higher place within Self? How do you begin to transform from being focused on the external world to your authentic inner Self?
Transformational practices will bring you closer in to a deeper existence. They can take many forms. These include consistent contemplative practices like meditation and yoga, somatic therapies, time in nature, creative arts, healing ceremonies and ritual, devotional prayer, and non-violent martial arts, like tai chi and aikido. These practices embody the virtues of compassion, loving-kindness, gratitude, forgiveness, altruism, honesty, and joy, seeing the bigger picture and being connected to a higher divine force.
As we begin to take on these practices, we begin to challenge the long-held belief systems. This new way of seeing outside of the status-quo and stagnation, can bring up some challenging feelings. It may feel like a big risk, but then anything that is worth moving us out of the safe zone and transforming our lives in the highest good, always is.
Mostly, whenever we step outside the familiar, and the comfortable, we take a healthy step forward. Letting go of the old self as the new one emerges, is truly part of the cycle of life. We weren’t meant to play it safe and constantly be distracted in an artificial world. That’s not why we are here. We are meant to grow bigger and grander within the divine Light through the deeper exploration of and healing of Self. This is a risk worth taking, don’t you think?
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Leave It To Beaver Medicine
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Beavers are ingenious builders, constructing huge dams that can change the course of entire rivers and creating new tributaries that bring water to nature areas that are in need of nourishment. Beaver is a primary aspect of keeping our ecosystems in checks and balances. Her association with water makes Beaver an analogy for our ability to build our own dreams to come true. Beaver tells us to build on them as if the dream is already real. Change the course of how things flow in our lives by bringing organization and structure in meeting goals, and thus coaxing our dreams into physical reality.
Beaver represents hard work. The dams that Beaver builds are sometimes eight feet tall and span across entire bodies of water. This kind of accomplishment doesn't happen overnight, nor does it happen by just wishing it to completion. Beaver’s message is, “you must commit to and work diligently towards your goal, otherwise it will not come to fruition.” But within the hard work, Beaver still finds balance in her life and is flexible with how the course runs. Beaver does not ignore spending time with family and commits to building friendships as well. Despite Beaver’s high motivation toward goal-keeping, she knows when to have fun and when to rest.
When we pay attention to Beaver's behavior and characteristics, we can compare or associate those features to our own behavior. By doing so, we can match up, mimic, or employ beaver qualities in our own lives with a goal to stimulate natural and lasting solutions for ourselves. For example, if we are "stuck" in our lives, a little meditation on Beaver Medicine may show us how to "chew" through the barrier on our path. Working with animal meanings and animal totems also helps us move into a natural cycle of life, which is always an excellent guide to finding solutions.
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Change Your Brain To Live a More Contented Life
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If you are presently unhappy in many aspects of your life, it can feel like a dark place. A mindset that is clouded by daily thoughts of dread and negativity can really wear on a person’s self-esteem, self-worth and physical health.
When there is discontentment, there’s a tendency to get trapped in the never-ending cycle of waiting for the day when “it” will all change – “When I have a new job…a new relationship…a bigger home…”
Contentedness does not come out of an external place, like the striving for more possessions or making more money or living a more exciting life, for instance. If that has been your focus in life, then it will not hold up over time. Your thoughts will always be running a tape that ultimately say, “You are not enough.” This is because once you get the bigger house, the job promotion and the new relationship, you immediately start planning your next bigger, better this and that.
Being authentically content starts with the realization that you are the creator of your reality.
Our thoughts dictate how we view the world and ultimately, how we feel. If you tend to see life through these kinds of ideas and messages…
· You’re looking for that next better thing
· You must work hard to get everything you need
· You look toward others and society for approval
· You’re worried about what others think of you
· You’re jealous and envious of other people’s successes
· You’re focused on your image and the way you look
· You blame others from keeping you from having the life you want
· You feel that you never have enough money, sex, time, stuff, friends, etc.
…then you have become lost along the way and this is why you feel so empty.
As William Shakespeare wrote, “Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” Thoughts are powerful. They are the precursor to our feeling states.
Even when it looks as though your emotional state is being dictated by your circumstances, that is never true. Just get quiet and curious for a moment, and ask yourself, “If I weren’t thinking this way, how might I feel differently?”
The happiness you have been seeking outside of yourself can be yours when you learn to stop chasing the illusion, and instead, begin to have more kindness, compassion and love toward yourself.
The more we are willing to genuinely love from within, even when it feels hard, the less we go searching for contentedness in the wrong places. When we are comforted by our own self-love, we no longer need to find comfort through external fixes.
Contentedness is a state of being fulfilled with what you already have within you. And at the same time, striving to improve, to become a better human being, regardless of how happy and content you are.
So you’re wondering, “How do I break the cycle of discontent and emptiness and learn to really love myself?”
We can harness the brain’s plasticity by training our brain to make positive thought patterns more automatic.
Neural pathways are like superhighways of nerve calls that transmit messages. After many years and decades of negative belief patterns traveling over the superhighway, the pathway becomes more and more solidified. And because the brain is always changing, with practice you can forge newer, healthier and more positive pathways, by creating new thought/feeling habits. That’s called neuroplasticity.
Mindfulness skills integrated into ones daily life can interrupt the negative and habitual feedback loops that can rewire the brain to think more positively. The regular practice of mindfulness meditation increases gray matter in the hippocampus, an area of the brain important for learning, memory, and emotion, and reducing gray matter in the amygdala, an area of the brain associated with stress and anxiety.
Spending 5 to 10 minutes daily sitting still while focusing on your in-breath and out-breath, trains the brain to quiet down, disengage the stress response, and move into a relaxation response that is more open to letting go of the more habitual neural pathways. Mindfully tracking your thoughts consistently throughout your day by redirecting habitual negative thoughts to new positive thoughts will carve out new and more accessible neural pathways.
Visualization is almost as powerful as the real thing given your brain cannot tell the difference between something real or imagined. Research shows that anytime you are thinking you are engaging and thus conditioning neural pathways, so why not create positive, calming images to change the brain? The most important part of using visualization to strengthen healthy habits is to engage your emotion. Positive emotion provides the fuel to enlist more neural power for creating new healthier neural networks. Find time throughout your day imagining yourself feeling and being more content in your life.
Gratitude is one of the best ways to move more readily towards positive thoughts and feelings of contentment. Whenever you are not content with something, take a moment and count all the blessings in your life. If you honestly do that, then you are creating the opportunity for more blessed moments in your life! Let your focus be on what you have rather than on what you don’t have. Think about all the pleasant moments in your life regularly. Be grateful for every little thing, for every person in your life, and thank him or her silently.
And finally, enjoy the simple things in life whether it’s conversations with strangers, taking slow gentle walks, or spending quality time with friends. Whatever you do, no matter how small, how inexpensive, and how trivial or simple, enjoy it and recognize that each moment of these positive thoughts lead more and more to authentic happy and contented living.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Spring: A Time for Tending Ones Inner Garden
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It's Time to blossom!
As we move out of the depths of winter’s hibernating chill into spring’s sweet awakening, our arms are outstretched and ready to face a new beginning once again. Our buds are posed to grow, open and blossom with each day of expanding light and warmth. The birds sing their guiding, supportive song, as if to say, “grow, grow, grow.”
It is a time of shaking off the blankets and inner focus of the darkened days of winter. Springtime returns us to capturing the potential energy of forward moving intention that primes us for the creation of new experiences and in fulfilling dreams.
When we align with our inner landscape, we become the gardener of our own lives. We become aware of the authentic, wise part of ourselves that listens to our intuition, symbols and messages in our environment, and within our dreamtime.
It’s important to have patience in this process as we would in cultivating tender seeds and bulbs. In tending to the tasks of our inner gardens, we may have obstacles to contend with. Spring is known for it’s variable weather, moving from sun and warmth to high winds and sudden storms and back again. It is in this unpredictability that we dig-in our roots more deeply within the soil, becoming stronger and more grounded with each passing day. Here we realize that we can face any kind of irritation or disturbance that presents itself and still grow larger.
We learn that we may need to acquire more tools in which to create the inner garden of our dreams. Maybe we take classes or read more books or adopt a mindfulness practice that supports us on creating our path, so that when the weeds and slugs show up we know how to readily work with them. Starting with a good, healthy soil and foundation to begin with sets us up for fertile successes down the road.
Imagery and metaphor are powerful tools for personal transformation and growth, so allow yourself some time to imagine what tree, flower or plant you would be in order to connect with characteristics you’d like to adopt within yourself. Spend time learning more about your plant through books, making art or poetry about it, and by growing it.
Spring offers hope for creating anew, for sloughing off the layers that no longer serve us and for setting into action our own inner aspirations. Listening to nature and spending time amongst plants and trees will guide us towards tending to our own inner gardens in a renewed, harmonious and brilliant way.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
