Letting Go Of the Reigns in Relationship

We all have our own particular way of doing things, but there's a fine line between being particular and being controlling. If you’re a controlling person, it's likely you're sabotaging your own relationships. What's even worse is that being a controlling person can take a toll on your partner's self-esteem. It can weaken your trust and interfere with communication. All these elements are essential for a healthy relationship.

If you're doing any of the behaviors in your relationship, it's likely that if you don't loosen up the reigns, your love story could be over sooner than you’d imagine.

 ·      Telling your partner who they can or can’t be friends with

·      Telling/suggesting to your partner what to wear on a regular basis

·      Having consistently high expectations of your partner

·      Controlling/not trusting interactions with others, i.e. looking at partners phone texts/calls

·      Controlling your partner’s time to be with you and only you

·      Making all or most of the decisions within the relationship and not consulting with partner

·      Expecting that your wants and needs consistently come first in the relationship

·      Asking partner to constantly change, adjust, and sacrifice in order to please you.

·      Dictating your partner’s future, i.e. career choices

·      Believing that you have the right to have sex and your desires are the default

·      Using anger and negativity to manipulate by getting your way

Remember, relationships are about enhancing your life, not about taking away identity, or freedom. As a loving, supportive partner, your relationship will be everlasting when your love's sense of self and their sense of control over their own lives is fostered and nurtured within the confines of the relationship. And ultimately, your ability to “let go” is real freedom for you too.

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Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504

Shallow Living: An Occasional Visit on the Way to a Deeper Purpose

Here in the States, we’ve become a culture that looks more and more outside of ourselves to “know” who we are. Social media hasn’t really helped us work through this skewed value system. In fact, in 2017 research by First Choice revealed that more than three-quarters of today’s youth would like a career in online videos as YouTubers/bloggers/vloggers, according to a survey of 1,000 children aged 6 to 17. The top reasons being: creativity, fame, self-expression, money, connecting cool people, recognition, travel. While it’s good to access one’s own creative nature and self-expression, it seems to be at the expense of altruism, service to others and a greater, deeper purpose.

The problem with such superficial goals is that they don’t really hold up over time. No matter how hard we may work to seem successful, to show how “perfect” everything seems from the outside, something will still be missing. That’s because approaching life from the “outside-in”, one can never really fill-up. You will constantly be chasing that next new thing, thinking it’s going to be the thing that makes you more happy, more successful, more wealthy, etc.

Approaching life from the position of “inside-out”, though, is quite different. This is the place where you slow down and take a moment to reflect about yourself and the world. It’s the time when you look outside of the box to see the truth of what is, not some prescribed script of a societal norm. But how do you get to that higher place within Self? How do you begin to transform from being focused on the external world to your authentic inner Self?

Transformational practices will bring you closer in to a deeper existence. They can take many forms. These include consistent contemplative practices like meditation and yoga, somatic therapies, time in nature, creative arts, healing ceremonies and ritual, devotional prayer, and non-violent martial arts, like tai chi and aikido. These practices embody the virtues of compassion, loving-kindness, gratitude, forgiveness, altruism, honesty, and joy, seeing the bigger picture and being connected to a higher divine force.

As we begin to take on these practices, we begin to challenge the long-held belief systems. This new way of seeing outside of the status-quo and stagnation, can bring up some challenging feelings. It may feel like a big risk, but then anything that is worth moving us out of the safe zone and transforming our lives in the highest good, always is.

Mostly, whenever we step outside the familiar, and the comfortable, we take a healthy step forward. Letting go of the old self as the new one emerges, is truly part of the cycle of life. We weren’t meant to play it safe and constantly be distracted in an artificial world. That’s not why we are here. We are meant to grow bigger and grander within the divine Light through the deeper exploration of and healing of Self. This is a risk worth taking, don’t you think?

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Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.

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Spring: A Time for Tending Ones Inner Garden

It's Time to blossom!

As we move out of the depths of winter’s hibernating chill into spring’s sweet awakening, our arms are outstretched and ready to face a new beginning once again. Our buds are posed to grow, open and blossom with each day of expanding light and warmth. The birds sing their guiding, supportive song, as if to say, “grow, grow, grow.”

It is a time of shaking off the blankets and inner focus of the darkened days of winter. Springtime returns us to capturing the potential energy of forward moving intention that primes us for the creation of new experiences and in fulfilling dreams.

When we align with our inner landscape, we become the gardener of our own lives. We become aware of the authentic, wise part of ourselves that listens to our intuition, symbols and messages in our environment, and within our dreamtime.

It’s important to have patience in this process as we would in cultivating tender seeds and bulbs. In tending to the tasks of our inner gardens, we may have obstacles to contend with. Spring is known for it’s variable weather, moving from sun and warmth to high winds and sudden storms and back again. It is in this unpredictability that we dig-in our roots more deeply within the soil, becoming stronger and more grounded with each passing day. Here we realize that we can face any kind of irritation or disturbance that presents itself and still grow larger.

We learn that we may need to acquire more tools in which to create the inner garden of our dreams. Maybe we take classes or read more books or adopt a mindfulness practice that supports us on creating our path, so that when the weeds and slugs show up we know how to readily work with them. Starting with a good, healthy soil and foundation to begin with sets us up for fertile successes down the road.

Imagery and metaphor are powerful tools for personal transformation and growth, so allow yourself some time to imagine what tree, flower or plant you would be in order to connect with characteristics you’d like to adopt within yourself. Spend time learning more about your plant through books, making art or poetry about it, and by growing it.

Spring offers hope for creating anew, for sloughing off the layers that no longer serve us and for setting into action our own inner aspirations. Listening to nature and spending time amongst plants and trees will guide us towards tending to our own inner gardens in a renewed, harmonious and brilliant way.

-Tanya Vallianos

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Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.