Be Soft
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Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504
Letting Go Of the Reigns in Relationship
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We all have our own particular way of doing things, but there's a fine line between being particular and being controlling. If you’re a controlling person, it's likely you're sabotaging your own relationships. What's even worse is that being a controlling person can take a toll on your partner's self-esteem. It can weaken your trust and interfere with communication. All these elements are essential for a healthy relationship.
If you're doing any of the behaviors in your relationship, it's likely that if you don't loosen up the reigns, your love story could be over sooner than you’d imagine.
· Telling your partner who they can or can’t be friends with
· Telling/suggesting to your partner what to wear on a regular basis
· Having consistently high expectations of your partner
· Controlling/not trusting interactions with others, i.e. looking at partners phone texts/calls
· Controlling your partner’s time to be with you and only you
· Making all or most of the decisions within the relationship and not consulting with partner
· Expecting that your wants and needs consistently come first in the relationship
· Asking partner to constantly change, adjust, and sacrifice in order to please you.
· Dictating your partner’s future, i.e. career choices
· Believing that you have the right to have sex and your desires are the default
· Using anger and negativity to manipulate by getting your way
Remember, relationships are about enhancing your life, not about taking away identity, or freedom. As a loving, supportive partner, your relationship will be everlasting when your love's sense of self and their sense of control over their own lives is fostered and nurtured within the confines of the relationship. And ultimately, your ability to “let go” is real freedom for you too.
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504
In Rough Times, Spiritual Practice Is A Grounding Force
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When times are tough, we need healing, rejuvenation, nourishment, and sustenance on every level or else the despair and anxiety that arises will grow instead of being neutralized. We need periods of silence to counter the incessant noise. We need some inner peace as a barrier to the dark energies that loom around us. We need a comfort zone at the center of our being to anchor us against the winds of rancor and rage. Spiritual practice can be a salve during turbulent times. Whatever that means to you - prayer, meditation, a walk in the woods, let the solace within guide you on a steady path.
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504
Shallow Living: An Occasional Visit on the Way to a Deeper Purpose
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Here in the States, we’ve become a culture that looks more and more outside of ourselves to “know” who we are. Social media hasn’t really helped us work through this skewed value system. In fact, in 2017 research by First Choice revealed that more than three-quarters of today’s youth would like a career in online videos as YouTubers/bloggers/vloggers, according to a survey of 1,000 children aged 6 to 17. The top reasons being: creativity, fame, self-expression, money, connecting cool people, recognition, travel. While it’s good to access one’s own creative nature and self-expression, it seems to be at the expense of altruism, service to others and a greater, deeper purpose.
The problem with such superficial goals is that they don’t really hold up over time. No matter how hard we may work to seem successful, to show how “perfect” everything seems from the outside, something will still be missing. That’s because approaching life from the “outside-in”, one can never really fill-up. You will constantly be chasing that next new thing, thinking it’s going to be the thing that makes you more happy, more successful, more wealthy, etc.
Approaching life from the position of “inside-out”, though, is quite different. This is the place where you slow down and take a moment to reflect about yourself and the world. It’s the time when you look outside of the box to see the truth of what is, not some prescribed script of a societal norm. But how do you get to that higher place within Self? How do you begin to transform from being focused on the external world to your authentic inner Self?
Transformational practices will bring you closer in to a deeper existence. They can take many forms. These include consistent contemplative practices like meditation and yoga, somatic therapies, time in nature, creative arts, healing ceremonies and ritual, devotional prayer, and non-violent martial arts, like tai chi and aikido. These practices embody the virtues of compassion, loving-kindness, gratitude, forgiveness, altruism, honesty, and joy, seeing the bigger picture and being connected to a higher divine force.
As we begin to take on these practices, we begin to challenge the long-held belief systems. This new way of seeing outside of the status-quo and stagnation, can bring up some challenging feelings. It may feel like a big risk, but then anything that is worth moving us out of the safe zone and transforming our lives in the highest good, always is.
Mostly, whenever we step outside the familiar, and the comfortable, we take a healthy step forward. Letting go of the old self as the new one emerges, is truly part of the cycle of life. We weren’t meant to play it safe and constantly be distracted in an artificial world. That’s not why we are here. We are meant to grow bigger and grander within the divine Light through the deeper exploration of and healing of Self. This is a risk worth taking, don’t you think?
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Being Your Own Person: The True Path to Self-Empowerment
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Being your own person enables you to have your own independent thoughts, feelings, and values. It is an important part of self-development. When there is not a good sense of self, one struggles with being self-reliant. And there’s a tendency to live vicariously through others, co-opting ones own belief system for that of others.
The accomplishments of someone else are often substituted as though they were their own. While it is positive to admire and be happy for another ones endeavors, it’s impossible to derive your sense of self through another person. Living through others is no substitute for living for oneself. One cannot promote and sustain happiness in this way.
Being your own person means knowing what you believe in and standing by your beliefs, even if everyone else in the room is urging you to do otherwise. It means being authentic. If you’re not living authentically, it becomes second nature to adopt certain roles that you act out, pretending that this is how you really think and feel. Carl Jung referred to this part of self as the persona (or mask) and argued that shedding it was the first step on the road to individuation.
When you value your true self you become confident, generous, positive, and more energetically alive. Your sense of well-being becomes a prominent force in your life. You feel empowered to make your way through life with direction, self-confidence, and from a place of thriving, not surviving.
Start by seeing what qualities and emotions you honestly want in your life. See what’s working well and also find what’s missing and start to add it in, one small change at a time. If you generously honor and nourish your genuine nature, gradually it will be renewed, grow and bloom.
Like most things, being your true self takes practice and commitment. It also takes courage. Many people fear that they will only be accepted if they try to be what others want them to be. But human beings are not so easily fooled and can quickly sense when someone is acting. The truth is, no matter what you are really like, people will respect you for having the courage and strength to be your own person. And if they don’t, then they weren’t the kind of people you’d want in your life anyway.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Nature – A Soft Place to Land
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Connecting to Nature is the journey back home to self, finding inner peace, and soul-deepening connection. When you slow down at Nature’s pace, your heart rate and breathing slow down. You relax and walk more leisurely and quietly. You become more hyper-aware of all that is around you.
Nature, in itself becomes a mindfulness practice, where you can notice more of the details - the cracks and crevices in the bark of trees, the way the leaves fall in a particular way and direction with the breeze, or the sounds of your feet softly engaging with the earth.
It is here that you are more available to tap into the spirit of the land, the plants, the animal and insect world. You notice what you are drawn to, what speaks to you. You take a moment to be near the tree or flower or insect that has your interest.
Now you turn your awareness toward your heart, focusing on the gentle pattern of breath flowing in and out. From this loving place of connection, spend time basking in Nature’s radiant beauty. Give appreciation for the time spent with it as well as allowing for the receiving of any guidance, support or healing within its presence.
It is from these Nature experiences that you are able to access your beautiful memories at anytime for they are always within you. They are able to support you through daily stresses. They are a reminder of your connection to something bigger. And they show you a deeper part of whom you are. Indeed it is an inner place to rejoice in.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Love Self and Everything Else Follows
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I meet many people who spend much of their lives seeking validation and happiness from the world around them. They are looking for someone or something that fill the emptiness that they feel in their lives and that can reflect back to them, “I’m a worthy, lovable and a special person”. While there is nothing intrinsically wrong with seeking the approval of others, as long as we understand that self-worth that has real, lasting merit, can only come from within.
We are often conditioned in this culture to seek happiness in things or in the people that surround us, after all, much of the modern economy revolves around the cycle of generating and satisfying needs outside of ourselves. But this is an unreliable source of happiness. There will always be some new fashion trend and people will come and go.
So instead of looking for happiness from someone else or something, we can come to realize that it’s not out there. It’s within us. Happiness isn’t an obscure concept that we’re waiting for to arrive sometime in the future. It’s available right inside us, right now, all the time. Once we can graciously accept and love who and what we are, then and only then will we have achieved true happiness.
Self-worth is simply a recognition that we are complete and whole people, and that we are okay as we are. We recognize that we do not need anything or anyone outside of ourselves to declare that we are okay as a people, and that we have the power to do it ourselves.
So take a moment and reflect on the things in your life that you allow to have power over your value as a person and remind yourself that you are worthy just as you are. You don’t need to seek approval externally or try to fill an empty void. You are beautiful as you are. When you can appreciate what you have and who you are, but not allow it to define your sense of worth, then you are well on your way to creating your own source of built-in forever happiness.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
