Be Soft
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Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504
In Rough Times, Spiritual Practice Is A Grounding Force
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When times are tough, we need healing, rejuvenation, nourishment, and sustenance on every level or else the despair and anxiety that arises will grow instead of being neutralized. We need periods of silence to counter the incessant noise. We need some inner peace as a barrier to the dark energies that loom around us. We need a comfort zone at the center of our being to anchor us against the winds of rancor and rage. Spiritual practice can be a salve during turbulent times. Whatever that means to you - prayer, meditation, a walk in the woods, let the solace within guide you on a steady path.
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504
Leave It To Beaver Medicine
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Beavers are ingenious builders, constructing huge dams that can change the course of entire rivers and creating new tributaries that bring water to nature areas that are in need of nourishment. Beaver is a primary aspect of keeping our ecosystems in checks and balances. Her association with water makes Beaver an analogy for our ability to build our own dreams to come true. Beaver tells us to build on them as if the dream is already real. Change the course of how things flow in our lives by bringing organization and structure in meeting goals, and thus coaxing our dreams into physical reality.
Beaver represents hard work. The dams that Beaver builds are sometimes eight feet tall and span across entire bodies of water. This kind of accomplishment doesn't happen overnight, nor does it happen by just wishing it to completion. Beaver’s message is, “you must commit to and work diligently towards your goal, otherwise it will not come to fruition.” But within the hard work, Beaver still finds balance in her life and is flexible with how the course runs. Beaver does not ignore spending time with family and commits to building friendships as well. Despite Beaver’s high motivation toward goal-keeping, she knows when to have fun and when to rest.
When we pay attention to Beaver's behavior and characteristics, we can compare or associate those features to our own behavior. By doing so, we can match up, mimic, or employ beaver qualities in our own lives with a goal to stimulate natural and lasting solutions for ourselves. For example, if we are "stuck" in our lives, a little meditation on Beaver Medicine may show us how to "chew" through the barrier on our path. Working with animal meanings and animal totems also helps us move into a natural cycle of life, which is always an excellent guide to finding solutions.
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
You’re Unique. It’s Time to Own It!
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How many of us were told that we couldn’t or shouldn’t dance to our own music? It’s important to ask yourself: Are you making life choices based on your own wants, beliefs, and values? Or are you living a life based on the expectations of others and/or societal values?
Finding your own unique rhythm can take time and involve a lot of trial and error. Being in touch with what you want and what matters to you helps you plan the path forward, make goals and ultimately get where you want to go. Discover what is true for you by asking yourself the following questions: What really lights me up? What are my passions? What matters most to me? From here you can find real purpose and personal power – your own brand of music that will fulfill you from the inside out.
Find it, claim it, express it, and live it. Never give up on yourself. You are who you are. Make the commitment, honor it and use it in it’s highest good. From here, there is movement toward self-realization and transcendent goals in life. You will be divinely supported for your efforts.
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Spring: A Time for Tending Ones Inner Garden
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It's Time to blossom!
As we move out of the depths of winter’s hibernating chill into spring’s sweet awakening, our arms are outstretched and ready to face a new beginning once again. Our buds are posed to grow, open and blossom with each day of expanding light and warmth. The birds sing their guiding, supportive song, as if to say, “grow, grow, grow.”
It is a time of shaking off the blankets and inner focus of the darkened days of winter. Springtime returns us to capturing the potential energy of forward moving intention that primes us for the creation of new experiences and in fulfilling dreams.
When we align with our inner landscape, we become the gardener of our own lives. We become aware of the authentic, wise part of ourselves that listens to our intuition, symbols and messages in our environment, and within our dreamtime.
It’s important to have patience in this process as we would in cultivating tender seeds and bulbs. In tending to the tasks of our inner gardens, we may have obstacles to contend with. Spring is known for it’s variable weather, moving from sun and warmth to high winds and sudden storms and back again. It is in this unpredictability that we dig-in our roots more deeply within the soil, becoming stronger and more grounded with each passing day. Here we realize that we can face any kind of irritation or disturbance that presents itself and still grow larger.
We learn that we may need to acquire more tools in which to create the inner garden of our dreams. Maybe we take classes or read more books or adopt a mindfulness practice that supports us on creating our path, so that when the weeds and slugs show up we know how to readily work with them. Starting with a good, healthy soil and foundation to begin with sets us up for fertile successes down the road.
Imagery and metaphor are powerful tools for personal transformation and growth, so allow yourself some time to imagine what tree, flower or plant you would be in order to connect with characteristics you’d like to adopt within yourself. Spend time learning more about your plant through books, making art or poetry about it, and by growing it.
Spring offers hope for creating anew, for sloughing off the layers that no longer serve us and for setting into action our own inner aspirations. Listening to nature and spending time amongst plants and trees will guide us towards tending to our own inner gardens in a renewed, harmonious and brilliant way.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Nature – A Soft Place to Land
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Connecting to Nature is the journey back home to self, finding inner peace, and soul-deepening connection. When you slow down at Nature’s pace, your heart rate and breathing slow down. You relax and walk more leisurely and quietly. You become more hyper-aware of all that is around you.
Nature, in itself becomes a mindfulness practice, where you can notice more of the details - the cracks and crevices in the bark of trees, the way the leaves fall in a particular way and direction with the breeze, or the sounds of your feet softly engaging with the earth.
It is here that you are more available to tap into the spirit of the land, the plants, the animal and insect world. You notice what you are drawn to, what speaks to you. You take a moment to be near the tree or flower or insect that has your interest.
Now you turn your awareness toward your heart, focusing on the gentle pattern of breath flowing in and out. From this loving place of connection, spend time basking in Nature’s radiant beauty. Give appreciation for the time spent with it as well as allowing for the receiving of any guidance, support or healing within its presence.
It is from these Nature experiences that you are able to access your beautiful memories at anytime for they are always within you. They are able to support you through daily stresses. They are a reminder of your connection to something bigger. And they show you a deeper part of whom you are. Indeed it is an inner place to rejoice in.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Living Highly Sensitive
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If you are Highly Sensitive, you are wired to experience the world first and foremost through your emotions. This can create strong inner responses to life events.
Highly Sensitive People (HSP) are especially susceptible to all kinds of stimuli – whether physically, emotionally or mentally. HSPs nervous systems seem to be wired to feel at a more intense level than others. Hence, strong emotional responses are natural and need to be regularly processed in order to release them.
This ability to feel deeply is truly both a gift and a challenge. To be empathic, intuitive and attuned can make HSPs exceptional friends, partners and parents, because they are keenly aware of what others are experiencing and perhaps needing at any moment. And they are able to feel deep compassion for others. However, feeling deeply can also be a source of overwhelm. Being constantly and intensely tuned into your own and others’ emotions can be overloading. Thus it’s important that HSPs are consistently doing self-care to stay healthy.
When a big emotion hits, it’s OK to ask for alone time to process before discussing it with someone else. You might need time to identify what you’re feeling. Knowing your exact emotion helps you bring clarity to the conversation.
Also when you’re experiencing a painful emotion, ask yourself: “What’s the story that I’m creating right now?” At first you might identify all sorts of stories. But typically one or two will emerge as the most persistent.
For instance, your storyline might be: “I’m not important to others,” “Everything is out of my control,” “No matter how hard I try, I always fail,” “People leave; no one will stay,” or “I’m not good enough.”
Just naming your storyline can help you gain some distance from it. Identifying it also reminds you that your interpretation is not the objective truth. Understanding the root of your storyline minimizes its power, as well.
Once your nervous system has settled, you can begin to explore alternative storylines that will enable you to transform your perspective. You can also learn to have more feelings of loving-kindness toward yourself and your nervous system. You can know that these thoughts and feelings are momentary – a blip in time that will change with the wind. They do not define who you are or the world around you.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
True Blessings
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Yes, it’s true. Our beautiful, sentient equine friends know how to connect with the Universe at Soul level much more readily than us humans. Why? They know how to be in the moment and appreciate and surrender to whatever is occurring right then and there, The world “just IS” to them. For us – it’s not so easy.
We have these large frontal lobes that think a lot. And we tend not to be very connected to our bodies, which tell us what is going on at the sensory/emotional/intuitive/nervous system level. This is where horses mostly hang out. And they’re really good at it. They can show us how to be more deeply connected by being more mindful, by being more in the present moment and surrendering to what “Is.”
If you want to experience more connection at a Soul level, incorporating gratitude into your everyday life will help you open your heart and have relationship with your true essence – that of Love. In each moment when you are present with the idea of being blessed that you have food to eat, a home to live in, that your family loves you, express thanks to the Universe for all that you have, however big or small.
After all, you are the Universe experiencing itself, so any experience can help you reach higher levels of consciousness. Even if you experience something negative, still you can try to remain thankful. Valuable lessons are often disguised as tough teachers. These too are gifts to be treasured despite the challenges.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
You Are Never Alone
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Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Simply Being
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It can be challenging to allow ourselves to slow down and find quiet time. If you haven’t noticed, there tends to be a cultural acceptance of “busyness” here in the States. It is a paradigm based on doing rather than being. And if we are not accomplishing or acquiring, then something must be wrong. We often feel guilty when we’re not making something happen and can easily be drawn into feelings of unworthiness in comparison to our peers’ accomplishments.
When we are not in the company of others, we often find ourselves distracted by technology in one form or another – phones, computers, TVs. Subconsciously, we are aware that we are afraid of what we may find beneath the myriad of layers of busyness, external stimulation and achievement. Yet, without solitude and quiet time, we miss the opportunity for inner growth and renewal.
It is in the quiet moments that we can see things more clearly. We can leave behind the demands of work, people, family, media, and life. In the West, there is nothing that teaches and fosters us to go inward, thus we must claim that part of ourselves on our own. It is within those moments that we devout to our soul, our spirit through meditation, prayer, and time in nature, where stillness is noticed and appreciated.
At anytime still, we can capture moments in between meetings and phone calls to just “be.” Close the door to your office or go for a neighborhood walk around the block and breath in that alone time. Daily we can practice doing nothing. Let it come organically, in the moment with little forethought or striving. Allow it to come from a deeper place from within. And mostly just enjoy.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
A Valentine’s Message: Eagle and The Reminder of The Awakened Heart
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Eagles, a symbol of enduring strength, freedom and love. Photo: Anne Whitehurst
Here, in Colorado, we are blessed every year with the appearance of Bald Eagle couples nesting. They can be found commonly amongst the many lakes and reservoirs that dot the high plains. There are volunteers that spend time tracking and counting individuals; there are photography clubs that gather to capture their beauty at rest and in flight; and there is an Eagle Festival to honor Bald Eagles’ magnificence in the nature of all creatures.
Yet, there was a time, not so long ago, that seeing a Bald Eagle in Colorado may have been a rare occurrence. In the early 1970’s there were fewer than 450 nesting pairs of Bald Eagles in the lower 48 United States, and fewer than 10 in the entire state of Colorado. But with conservation efforts, the banning of harmful pesticides such as DDT and an Endangered Species designation, the Bald Eagle has made a brilliant recovery at around 143,000 nationwide today. It’s odd that our country’s honored mascot has had such a struggle to survive. Hence, Eagle as guide, can be seen as a reflection of our own struggles and our ability to survive through the cycles of life.
What a gift to be able to connect yearly with this beautiful being who has so much to teach us. When looking for Bald Eagle, it can be found in the environs of old growth cottonwoods, along creeks, lakes and stream ways, and along borders or buffers around those zones. Eagle lays its eggs in February, after a courting session that usually revolves, synchronistically enough, around the week of Valentines’ Day. Both male and female eagles incubate the eggs and share the duties of raising their young.
Bald Eagle traits can be viewed symbolically to assist humans toward being more successful and wise within their own lives. For instance, in Native American lore, Eagle (Thunderbird) Totem is viewed as the chief over all the winged creatures. Eagle conveys the powers and messages of the Spirit; it is human's connection to Spirit as it has the power and strength to fly higher than any other bird. Eagle is also grounded to Earth, connecting to the land, building nests, hunting, and forming and raising families year after year. Eagle shows us how to live in balance between the realms of Spirit and Earth. Bald Eagle brings the message of life renewed since it is associated with the east winds - the direction of spring, dawn and rebirth.
If you have been going through some challenges, Eagle medicine not only signals a new beginning, it also creates the stamina and resilience to endure any difficulties along the way. If Eagle has appeared, it bestows freedom and courage to look ahead, to give up a limited perspective, to release self from comfortable, familiar thought patterns, and fly into a larger world of unknown realms, and to do all of this with love. Summon Eagle when you are about to embark on a challenge, a life change or transition, or a creative endeavor. Ask Eagle to give you the gift of clear vision and the strength with which you can see the truth, and to be patient with yourself and the outcome.
Eagle shows you how to look above so you are able to touch Grandfather Sun with your heart, to accept the Shadow as much as the Light, and to be grounded and in harmony with Grandmother Earth. Eagle Wise Guide gives you the permission to be free to reach the heights of joy that your heart sings for. Eagle shows you that you not only can survive – you can thrive. And you can rise above, to love.
And so with Valentine’s Day upon us, I give you Eagle’s message and it’s connection to one's loving nature, the rebirthing of Self, taking flight to higher consciousness and the magic of the Divine Awakened Heart.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Redefining Valentine’s Day for A Global Perspective
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Here we are again, another February has arrived, a month that has come to be associated with Valentine’s Day, romance and its commercial legacy. And while retailers revel in the potential for boosted revenue, for the average human, it is a day that can bring up strong and varying emotions. Whether excitement, annoyance, disappointment, insecurity, confusion, anxiety, disconnect, sadness or disdain in our responses, V-Day has certainly weaved it’s way into the fabric of this culture as a yearly ritual. How can one small remembrance day, bring up so much internal turmoil or disconnect, especially when it’s supposed to be about honoring all-wondrous “Love?”
What’s interesting is that these are similar feelings that are brought up for people around Christmas and Hanukah, they too being holidays that engage loved ones and ritual, involve certain expectations by the wider culture and are holidays that are highly commercialized. According to the Greeting Card Association, an estimated 1 billion Valentine’s Day cards are sent each year, making Valentine’s Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year, Christmas being the first at 2.6 billion cards.
Most of us have considered the ins and outs of the affairs of the heart and our place within it, asking ourselves, “Am I where I want to be in love?” Most of us have considered our roles in our families and in friendships, asking ourselves, “How much am I loved?” Yet, maybe this is what hangs us up? Perhaps we really sense what is missing in these holidays and at the core of our Western world lives.
What I’m proposing here is that perhaps we can move towards a more profound perspective - less self-focused and external based. Maybe it’s time to let go of the idea of “buying love” or needing an excuse in a holiday to show love. Instead, opening up to the higher awareness of personal sacrifice, personal time, deepening conversations and a much more global perspective. How do we learn to love and give beyond our own families or tribe, beyond our own self-centered needs, beyond a cultural ideology of love?
And as US citizens, we are faced with many issues from a new administration that challenge the acceptance of others that are different, who are discriminated against or marginalized. More than ever, this needs to be a time to widen our circles of love. From refugees and immigrants trying to find a safe and welcoming home-base; to the poor, sick, homeless, and hungry around the world; to our own neighbors having a difficult time making a living wage and supporting themselves and their families - there are endless opportunities to show love this Valentine's Day and all days throughout the year. And if we are so open and gracious to changing our perspective, most likely, these opportunities will allow us to ultimately love differently, much more boldly, and universally. When we come from this limitless love we naturally and easily embrace our fellow humanity and ourselves. Opening our heart, we allow unconditional love (rather than a grasping, egoic kind of love) to be our guide and compassion to be our gift to life.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Imagination and Creativity Is Not Just For The Few
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Indulge me and join in for a minute. Imagine that you are sitting on a beach chair soaking up the Caribbean sunshine. You notice how your hair gently moves with the warm tropical breezes. You take a full deep breath; the sweet aromas of pineapple drinks and suntan lotion permeates your olfactory system and you realize how much you love the combination of these fragrances. You barely hear seagulls in the distance as the sound of crashing waves drowns out their caw. You become lulled into a Zen-like presence and with a satisfied smile on your face you have the thought, “this is a most perfect moment.”
What we just experienced here was an imaginative process. We were able to use our imagination to create images, formulate ideas, and be connected to our sensations in our minds without having any direct input from the senses. In his book Out of Our Minds: Learning to be Creative, Sir Ken Robinson writes: “Imagination is the primary gift of human consciousness. In imagination, we can step out of the here and now. We can revisit and review the past. We can take a different view of the present by putting ourselves in the minds of others: we can try to see with their eyes and feel with their hearts. And in imagination we can anticipate many possible futures.”
Imagination is the source of our creativity, but imagination and creativity are not the same. Imagination is the ability to bring to mind things that are not present to our senses. We can imagine things that exist or things that do not exist at all. Creativity is a process of having original ideas that have value. It's a process, and not an event, and it can be taught.
Robinson continues, “To call someone creative suggests they are actively producing something in a deliberate way. People are not creative in the abstract; they are creative in something: in mathematics, in engineering, in writing, in music or art, in business, in whatever.”
Creativity involves putting your imagination to work. In a sense, creativity is applied imagination.
Creativity is a powerful shaping force in human life. It is an intangible human capacity of a transcendent nature – it moves us beyond ourselves in a similar way to spirituality. The psychologist, Rollo May, in The Courage to Create, describes creativity as “the process of bringing something new into being. It brings to our awareness what was previously hidden and points to new life. The experience is one of heightened consciousness: ecstasy.”
Anthropologist, Ellen Dissanayake, suggests that the act of creating is actually a biological need that is basic to human nature. Writer, Julia Cameron believes that, “Creativity is the natural order of life.” And the historian Paul Johnson writes: “Creativity, I believe, is inherent in all of us.”
In my career as an Art Therapist, I’ve come to understand that most people do not believe that they are very imaginative, let alone creative. The fact is, we are all imaginative and creative all the time. It is innate. Whether it’s arranging flowers for a table or cooking a meal or rearranging a closet, these are all creative acts. Not everyone can sing like Adele, but everyone can enjoy singing. Most people aren’t skillful at carpentry, but most people can use a hammer and drill to put up curtains or pictures in their homes. As small as they are, these are creative acts.
Western culture and our limited educational system are largely to blame for this discrepancy, where left-brained skills that involve verbal and analytical processing, are more valued. Creativity has been systematically dismantled from daily experiences. Creativity and creative thinking is not encouraged for the masses, and we have come to believe that creativity is a special gift that is only available to the very few.
Yet how can that be, when you look around at a world and nature that is constantly transforming and re-creating itself? It shows us every day that we are connected to something bigger. It’s a beautifully complex universe that reflects the unfathomable imagination of an omniscient Creator who brought it all into being. Who brought us into being. We are just a reflection of that loving and powerful force. Therefore, we all have the ability to create and be creative. To create our lives in just the way that we choose to through imagination and action. It is within that potential that we are able to do the most minor of tasks, like hanging an art piece, to the greatest of achievements, like writing a symphony.
It’s time to take back your innate given gift. Claim it as your own. You may be surprised what you can do when you acknowledge this forgotten part of you.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
When Life Keeps Throwing Curve Balls
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Surrendering to Impermanence
All of us have been here at some point in our lives (maybe more than we'd like to admit) – a stretch of time when it feels like the universe is out to get you. It feels like a dark cloud looms over you and you alone. There’s a series of unfortunate events that make life very challenging and nothing that you do seems to line-up with the good stuff. You constantly feel like you’re waiting for the next shoe to drop. And, worse off, everyone else seems to be doing just fine.
I’m often reminded of this phenomenon when I’m listening to clients’ stories. They express feelings of being overwhelmed, distressed and depressed. “Why does this keep happening to me?” “When will it all end?” are often the questions asked behind a stream of tears.
Usually our emotional reactions are accompanied with thoughts of, “How can I make it stop?” This would be a natural reaction since humans tend to want and need a sense of control in their lives to feel safe, secure and comfortable. Abraham Maslow presented this idea as a basic human need. It is at this second level of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, the needs for security and safety become primary. It is no wonder when life feels over-the-top that we resort back to these primal, instinctual levels of thinking/feeling.
Surrendering to the process of life
Suffering is an integral part of being human. The Buddha recognized this over 2000 years ago. He explained this through the principal teachings of “dukkha,” which refer to the physical and psychological experience of suffering, change, discontentedness, and emptiness. This is the idea that we tend to hold onto and have expectations as to how our lives need to be.
We suffer because we project the myth of permanence upon a situation that is actually innately and constantly changing – ungraspable and mysterious. This is the true nature of life, yet we consistently believe that we can control our reality. We think that we can know and possess our lives, our loves, our identities, and even our possessions. Samsara, “the cycle of suffering,” is a direct result of our desire for permanence. It is the tight grip of our grasping of self or ego.
Buddha taught that we can find a way to accept those things that we are unable to control and at the same time change our thoughts, beliefs and emotions about the things that we are able to have an affect on. It is this ability to understand life as a dream, a fleeting moment in time, that can lead to more experiences of happiness and well-being. And even happiness is seen to be temporary. It is this dance of being in the present moment that frees us from the need to control our very existence. It is the realization that we are interconnected to the whole of life within the universe, shifting, morphing, transforming with it. And that it’s all okay.
Just as you pick a flower, you are aware that the flower will wilt and die in time. And still you are able to appreciate its beauty and smell it’s sweet aroma in the moment. This is a metaphor for how you can live life - savoring every moment – whether good, bad or neutral. Surrendering to what is. Staying in the flow. It is this knowing that everything ultimately changes that leads to less suffering.
An aware mind
This is not about denying the pain or sweeping it under the rug. We can look at it truthfully, feeling our feelings, knowing that we are connected to all beings that suffer. We can touch into our hearts and feel loving-kindness towards ourselves, and all that is. And because we are able to see it from a point of clarity, we are more able to know what needs to be done to ease the suffering.
A consistent mindfulness practice allows us to observe ourselves silently and with eyes wide open – present and aware and watchful of what unfolds and arises from within. This can take time and can be challenging, but the process itself is very rewarding.
To look deeply at these things in our everyday lives, especially within us, is to realize not only the interconnected nature of all things but also the impermanence of it all. It is because of these realizations that we can begin to be less ruled by our distorted and distressing thoughts - leading to less attachment to outcomes and finding ways to be grateful for “what is”. Ultimately, this gives us a way to experience more feelings of calm, peace of mind and true compassion.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Getting Out of Your Own Way on The Path to Self-Love
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Shine the light on you. you're worth it!
Yesterday, I was working with a fairly new client that struggles with low self-esteem and self-worth. We spent the session “tapping-in” resources of her team of nurturing, protective and wise helpers. She was able to do this with ease, but what became obvious in the end, was that she was quite aware of how much she felt that she was unworthy of anyone’s love, care and support. She found this thought to be distressing.
Often we need that reality check in the face of a caring, unconditional witness to know that we need real change. It’s the declaration that something is out of balance and has been a destructive force in one’s life. It’s the ability to say out loud, “I’ve been getting in my own way,” so that a new path can be carved out. How does one get past a long history of self-deprecation and feelings of emptiness, negativity and fear?
You discover that you can press pause in any moment and step back from the momentum of old, habitual thought patterns. From this vantage point, you’re able to consistently see where you get hung up and how the thought/feeling complex creates the distress that you say that you don’t want in your life.
With conscious awareness, you are more committed to living in ways that are wise, affirming, and aligned with your deepest desires and your highest good. With committed thought checking, a reframing of the old story, clarity and truth finally arrives. In those moments, asking Self: Do I believe I’m inadequate? Do I believe that I’m a victim? Do I believe I’m unlovable?
It is in those moments of suffering that you can befriend yourself, taking notice of the feelings present and ever so gently, kindly holding them, like you would a baby. Knowing that these feelings are just fueled by thoughts - they are not YOU. They are not in control of you.
There is no need to rid you of anything. Just be aware of your inner experience.
Now you can experience the spaciousness when you’re not hooked-in to the old story, even if it’s for a millisecond in time. Notice what is like to choose something different, to be more curious, than critical, to learn new ways of experiencing you - to get out of your own way.
This is a process. It won’t change overnight. It takes diligence, patience and self-determination. But that is what is involved in choosing to live a life more consciously – a life of authenticity, self-love and more joy.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Journaling As a Mindfulness Practice
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Journaling tangibly Helps us to connect to our inner world
Journal writing can be compared to practicing mindfulness. A journal records the movement of one’s inner experience - reflections of the mental, emotional, and image-laden events within the writer in that moment in time. When we write, we are conscious of what is being written and stay focused on the writing process without judgment or criticism. Both involve being present in the now. By being fully conscious and present of our actions and our breath, we become present in what we do. Writing and other creative endeavors are similar.
I write to gain more insight of an experience, to remember an event that occurred and to feel emotion and have deeper understanding of what’s going on inside. Journaling is about making connections to my higher knowing. It is a moment in time where I am fully present in the process – aware of my thoughts, my body, the kinesthetic quality of writing, and the environment I’m in. I’m taking it all in as a moment-to-moment process. In the end, I’m finished and can tuck it away safely, until the next time.
There is something about the ability to face the difficulties of life, when emotions are painful or when our inner critic is loudly speaking in our ear, to take pause and utilize this safe container. Here, we are give permission to release. We can more easily and mindfully breathe with compassion for ourselves, staying centered and grounded through the process. And because of this we can find healing.
Dr. James Pennebaker, author of Writing to Heal has seen improved immune functioning in journaling participants. Stress and feelings of overwhelm often come from emotional blockages and neurotic over-thinking. The ability to free ones thoughts and emotions through writing is shown to lower anxiety, stress and induce sound sleep.
Journaling doesn’t always involve writing about challenges. Writing about our positive experiences can be quite helpful as well. It becomes life reaffirming. And our physiology responds by releasing endorphins and dopamine, thus boosting our mood and our outlook of the world.
As is true with meditation practice, mindful journaling, through the act of presenting, allows us to cultivate appreciation for Self in each moment. It brings us to live more harmoniously with all things, because it allows us the time to know ourselves, what triggers us, and what we are curious about - all without distraction. And the more we write, the more connected we are to all that is.
A Mindful Journaling Prompt:
- Choose a quiet space in your home or in nature where you will not be distracted.
- Begin by letting go of the day’s events and any tension that you’re aware of in your body, and focusing on your breath for a few minutes. One inhalation and one exhalation at a time.
- When feeling more centered, write down a question. Write a few lines on anything you would like higher-self guidance on. Focusing on one question allows for deeper clarity and insight. For example, “How can I communicate more effectively with my boss?”; “Why do I have difficulty staying committed to exercising?”; or “How can I have deeper connection to my partner/spouse?”
- Start to write. Let go of the thinking, judging mind, and write without thinking through stream of consciousness. If you get stuck, you can write, “I feel stuck.” Whatever is happening, stay with the organic flow and just keep writing. There are no mistakes here. Write for 5, 10 or 15 minutes. You’ll know when you’re done.
- When finished, read through what you have written out loud to yourself.
- Notice what comes up for you somatically, emotionally and mentally, with a curious but detached awareness.
- Continuing to practice this technique will allow you to be more and more present with yourself!
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Mindfulness: The Secret to Happiness
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Mindfulness helps bring balance, stability and ultimately more happiness to our lives
In the past 18 years working in the psychotherapy field, the prominent and most obvious complaint that is presented to me is that people are not happy in their lives. Whether it’s career, or relationship or a myriad of many different aspects of their lives, people are wanting to make changes, so that they can feel more alive, joyous and a greater sense of peace and ultimately, happiness.
Why are we so unhappy?
We are often trapped and rapped-up in our own negative thoughts and beliefs. These ruminating thoughts circulate round and round maybe for hours, days, and even years, keeping us disconnected from ourselves and causing a great deal of suffering.
As a way too rationalize the egoic mind, humans tend to think that things, life, emotions are happening to them. We tend to look for reasons outside of ourselves as to why we feel so miserable. This becomes the default coping mechanism as a means of survival that starts in childhood. Unfortunately, in time this strategy doesn’t hold up very well. We become more and more dissatisfied; we become chronically ill, our relationships dismantle and we find ourselves in meaningless jobs.
Mindfulness practice has a very direct way of stopping the ongoing commentary by directing our focus to the present moment. It is a way to ‘nip it in the bud,’ so to say; by not identifying with the story that follows any negative event, or underlying belief.
We are able to ‘still’ our minds. Once we’re able to do this, we cease creating stories and the suffering ends.
Staying present in the moment, we are able to really notice all the beauty around us. We have a more profound level of gratitude for it and all of life. This ability to be the observer takes us out of a “this is happening to me” mentality. We are brought closer into connection with out higher selves and all of creation. This is our true nature.
How can I start feeling better?
Take some time to be in nature finding a quiet place where you are not disturbed or distracted by others. Find an object to focus on, such as a flower, tree, bird, or water. For however long, bring your attention to that which you’re focused on and the cycle of your breath. Allow all of your senses to be a part of the experience. Let go of any urges to think about it or understand it. Instead, allow your mind to become quieted and just notice what you notice. If you observe that you have come back to ‘thinking’, gently bring your attention back to your breath and the nature experience.
When you are finished, you can have an honest curiosity about your quiet time. Were you stressed, sad, or irritated? More than likely – you were not. And you became more aware of the possibility of happiness. With each time of choosing to stay present in the moment and finding quietude within yourself, the more likely that you are on your way to a life that feels balanced, healthy and happy.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She can be reached at www.innersunhealingarts.com or 970-420-9504.
Beginner Meditation Practice Made Easier
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If you haven’t noticed lately, there are a huge amount of resources available for learning various mindfulness practices, including meditation. The upside to that is that there is a variety of methods offered and people can pick and choose what works best for themselves. The downside is just that, the different techniques and variations on the theme can feel overwhelming, especially to the beginning practitioner.
Less is more
Starting something new can be challenging. And meditation is no exception. While quite a simplistic process, meditation can easily turn into a self-bashing session within seconds. Why? Because we humans think a lot! And meditation makes it quite obvious how distracted and occupied we are with our thoughts all the time. While meditation is meant to help us with quieting the mind, for beginners the volume gets turned on high and it can feel hugely defeating.
When I’m introducing a client to meditation for the first time, my number one goal is to make everything as simple and as comfortable as possible, so that it doesn’t feel too overwhelming. I'm hoping that she will be inspired enough to give it a good try and establish a regular practice. This means that I don’t ask for too much of a commitment of time early on.
Often longtime meditators will suggest 10 minutes as a starting point. In my opinion, that can be the kiss of death for a budding meditator. For a newbie, this can feel like 10 hours! It’s worse that meditation seems so simple from the outside. It can be a set-up for frustration, self-shaming and wanting to give up, concluding, "It's not for me" or “I’m just not good at this” when that couldn't be further from the truth.
Instead, I offer a 5-minute or less commitment daily. This way the expectations are low to start with and the client is not bound to a specific time that feels unattainable. This allows more for the possibility of having an enjoyable experience that leads to successes, rather than perceived failures.
A few other helpful tips that will help you with your "less is more" approach:
1. If you start small, make that small meditation into a daily habit. While a short and small meditation session starting point makes it easier to grow your sessions longer and longer, doing it every day makes you more likely to stick with it. Even if it feels hard at first, meditating daily makes it more likely to become a habit that sticks. This is because you are changing neural pathways, which takes time and commitment.
2. Use a timer to track your sessions, especially if you feel that you will be distracted by keeping track of time with a clock or watch.
3. When beginning your practice, meditate in the same setting and at the same time every day. Meditating in the same context each and every day will make it more likely to be a good habit that takes hold. Choose a time of day when you’re not tired.
4. When you decide to increase your meditation time, make those increases small – up to 5 minutes per increment. Small increases operate on the same principle of small starts: not overwhelming yourself. If you find that you’re struggling with the increase after a few sessions, feel free to reduce the time.
5. Lastly, make your meditating space comfortable and desirable. Have cozy blankets that you can wrap around you. Candles, soft lighting and sacred objects can help bring a special ambiance to your space that will allow you to come back again and again.
So, if you've never done it before, try it with me now. Find a quiet place to sit comfortably, with your back upright, and using either a timer or a guided meditation, focus on your breath. Try it. You just might get hooked.
-Tanya Vallianos
Tanya Vallianos, MA, LPC, ATR, NCC, EMDR III, EAP II is a psychotherapist in private practice in Fort Collins, CO. She offers free guided meditations on her website, www.innersunhealingarts.com
